ejlis

2007-04-23T07:27:00.000-07:00

I can't eat, can't sleep
Still I hunger for you when you look at me
That face, those eyes
All the sinful pleasures deep inside
Tell me how, you know now, the ways and means of getting in
Underneath my skin,
Oh you were always my original sin
And tell me why,
I shudder inside, every time we begin
This dangerous game
Oh you were always my original sin
A dream will fly
The moment that you open up your eyes
A dream is just a riddle
Ghosts from every corner of your life

2007-04-16T00:26:00.000-07:00

I recieved a punch to the stomach and now I can't breathe. It lasts and lasts and I hold my breath when the air comes back to me. I left my skin and I live solely in air and thoughts. Its a bit like medidating, only unintended.

What happens when your body and your thoughts becomes a prison only you can break free from, only you have the key to, but cannot seem to find it?

My skin is crawling and I have two tiny dwarfs fighting over my thought, like they're ropes to be cut off and owned... I feel like dying and dancing at the same time. Let me get some sleep!

2007-03-06T05:31:00.000-08:00

Somehow life turns around. It turns around you, and it turns you around. Understanding the processes may seem impossible, controlling them is futile.
There was a reason once that we listened to poeple of age, because they were people of wisdom and of experience. They would say that life is unpredictable, but somehow we stopped believing them, because you had to eat, had to sleep, had to get up and it all was so routine, so predictable.

Somehow we got stuck in a moment and believed life was those moments we inhereted from yesterday and could define.

the wave

2007-02-15T04:54:00.000-08:00

My day is like a wave. Crashing on the shore and slowly retracting back into the sea of time, a lifetime. My ocean is days I experienced and each drop that made me wet and affected me. Sometimes my wave hit the shore and its polluted. Like a ship that sailed on my ocean crashed, burned and spilled its oil on the shore. I get stuck and all the wasted materials my wave brings with it gets sucked up, gets polluted too...

My day is like a wave, and sometimes the wind just pushes it lightly towards the sand. Sometimes it floates as if to caress the tiny stones and and the bare feet that walks along my shore. My wave makes the shore a clean new sheet and washes up the hidden wrecks at the same time. Whats sinks and what floats are decide my the whim of winds and the heavyness of its weight on my shoulders.

My day is a wave and today it roared to land, trying to escape its own elemt, wanting to be dust and sand and fire, but drowned it all in the attempt. Now my wave has fire in its heart.

confronting fear of flying

2006-12-27T01:51:00.001-08:00

Because we were not designed to fly like birds, whenever we get into a “flying machine” we have to confront our deepest fears of human vulnerability. It’s not so much that flying is “unnatural,” but that in finding ourselves way up in the sky, sealed in a machine, we can hear our deepest whisperings of vulnerability more clearly than anywhere else.

blog nr 50

2006-11-28T06:20:00.000-08:00

Today I want a fighter. Someone who fights for me. Not in the sense that he doesn't have me, cause he does, but in the sense that he'll join a barfight, fight club or the army if needed to rescue me or defend me. I'm a pacifist, but surely I want to be worthy a fight if necessary. Its the chivalry of it, I guess, that gives a fist in the face a certain grace. Am I being oldfashion today? Guess so. Loosing principles? debatable.

2006-11-17T07:18:00.001-08:00

don't lose yourself
in the heart of another
don't be who you're not
in the end we've got each other

2006-11-14T05:38:00.000-08:00

This is the haircut i'm getting. Because I simply loooove it - and Maggie is not so bad herself. Try watching "stranger than fiction" and you'll all agree....

Love actually

2006-11-14T05:35:00.000-08:00

Imagine your husband bought a gold necklace and come Christmas gave it to somebody else...

Would you wait around to find out if it's just a necklace, or if it's sex and a necklace, or if worst of all it's a necklace and love? Would you stay, knowing life would always be a little bit worse? Or would you cut and run?

2006-11-14T05:28:00.000-08:00

Life is full of complications and interruptions.

My teenage hero!

2006-11-10T08:00:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow I'll be shaking my hips (and my hips don't lie) to Wake me up befor you go go
and shedding a tear for long lost loves to Careless Whisper. I might even get in the right christmas mood to Last Christmas.
He'll be coming to Copenhagen and so am I!

LONG LIVE THE QUEEN OF POP!

remembering chrystal night

2006-11-09T10:22:00.000-08:00

Crystal Night took place on 9th-10th November, 1938.

During Crystal Night over 7,500 Jewish shops were destroyed and 400 synagogues were burnt down. Ninety-one Jews were killed and an estimated 20,000 were sent to concentration camps. Up until this time these camps had been mainly for political prisoners. The only people who were punished for the crimes committed on Crystal Night were members of the Sturm Abteilung (SA) who had raped Jewish women (they had broken the Nuremberg Laws on sexual intercourse between Aryans and Jews).

After Crystal Night the numbers of Jews wishing to leave Germany increased dramatically. It has been calculated that between 1933 and 1939, approximately half the Jewish population of Germany (250,000) left the country. This included several Jewish scientists who were to play an important role in the fight against fascism during the war.

2006-11-08T05:37:00.000-08:00

A) Four jobs I have had in my life:
1) feeeding fish
2) waitress (oh, at some many places)
3) selling books over the phone
4) babysitting

B) Four Movies you would watch over and over:
1) Stranger than fiction
2) Love actually
3) jallajalla
4) Paris, je t'aime

C) Four places you have lived:
1) perth
2) copenhagen
3) Washington DC
4) Oslo

D) Four TV shows I love to watch:
1) csi
2) coupling
3) smack the pony
4) migrapolis

E) Four places you've been on vacation:
1) mallorca
2) Sharm el sheik
3) Turkey
4) Sweden (Göteborg/Liseberg - juhui)

F) Four Web sites I visit:
1) youtube.com
2) aftenposten.no/politiken.dk
3) blogger.com
4) amiright.com

G) Four of my favourite foods:
1) seafood - anything goes as longs as its well prepared
2) green, red and yellow curries (with lentils or chicken or lamb and lots of crunchy vegetables - I think I'll have this for dinner tonight - yummy)
3) well done fruit smothies with berries and a crunch of ginger (I know, it may not constitute as food, but a good smoothie brightens my day - yes, I'm simple)
4) korinader (yes I know its a herb, but I get tiny little orgasms when I eat koriander flavoured food - especially when its Thai.. Oh - no - now I have en incoming dinner-problem)

H) Four Places I'd rather be right now:
1) any good thai restaurant
2) at the movies
3) in never-neverland
4) in a spa

Nature is sexy!

2006-11-08T04:00:00.000-08:00

compliments 101

2006-11-06T13:25:00.000-08:00

I kept thinking about this theme over the evening (which was spent on the top of SAS radisson with an apple martini and three fun danish girls by the way) and I thought about a rooky mistake I made on saturday concerning compliments. Let me enlighten you.

On saturday we had a bachelorette party for one of my friends, the point was to drink her under the table and she ended the evening on the floor just wearing a rudolph-the-raindeer red nose, a tiara, and a micro-skirt so I think we succeded. But my story is not about her. Its about Tina. She was one of the 12 girls partying with us that night. 6 of the girls I knew quite well, the rest I briefly met ant Tina I met once a long time ago. Tina has some real wicked eyes. (And I mean wicked, not beautiful, cause beautiful might get you thinking of a maybe-its-maybelline classic poster girl eyes). her eyes have this almost see-through grey-green colour that reminds you of a cat or an emerald or both at the same time. I guess I thought about telling her right away (according to my own compliment-principles) but I got caught up in the champagne-drinking and salsa-dancing and forgot somehow. During the day Tina and I had tons of fun. We ran around Oslo looking for brooms, old schoolmates and Orlando Bloom (loong story) and got drunk all the while. In the evening we ended up using straws and flags as microphones and ran on the couch singing to dirty dancing.

Closing in on four o'clock we find ourself on the tiny freezing cold porch, but our salsa-feet held us warm while we were hunching over our cigarettes and giggeling. Then she turns to me and says: wow, I think you're the absolute coolest girl! And what do I do? I say:
Oh, you're so cool too - and you have wicked eyes! Rooky mistake - big blunder! Only time you can get away with returning a compliment like that is if you're a guy and the gilr you're returning the compliment too wants to sleep with you. Otherwise, one of two things will happen: 1. the other person will think you're undermining the trust you've been showed by being giving a compliment (often giving a compliment is based on trust and courage - at least in Norway) or 2. the person will think you think you HAVE to give a compliment. And thats bad - there's nothing worst than a forces compliment.

Compliments 101 says: give your compliment when you think it - DO NOT WAIT. The lesson is also: take a compliment, compliment the other person for being brave enough to give you a compliment, do NOT shove it away, undermine it or say: you too! you will always appear false. Its better to recieve it with grace and greatfulness.

Class dismissed

Compliments

2006-11-06T08:48:00.000-08:00

I can no longer remember exactly when I became conscience about changing my ways, but about that time I made a promise to myself to be better at giving and recieveing compliments. I started out by addressing the little barrier in my head: that I sometimes would say to myself: hey, compliment is the tool of a sucker-upper, or denial of a compliment shows modesty. In stead I thought: compliments should be honest and without self-interest. I tried telling myself I will never give them when wanting something or to cover something up - like how bad a dress look or to get a compliment. You might think that this philosophy landed me in a place where I never gave any compliments, but you're wrong - I gave them out on a daily basis all of a sudden - and I meant them. I compliment hair and clothes, jokes and intellegence, good ideas and behaviour. And guess what happened: I've never recieved so many compliments in my life. I get to hear that I'm a good friend, that I'm a good dancer or that I have a cute nose (really funny that I would hear this so often I guess - cute nose? Is it because they think that HAVE to say something nice and can't think of anything but the thing sticking out the most on me (yes,yes, I have small breats) or is my nose actually something out of the ordinary? and if it is, my GOD, why coulldn't you have given me a smile or eyes out of the ordniary??!)
I even have my own personal feel-good buddy at work now: she's this cute little chinese woman with huge, oversized glasses, way tooo much make-up and flowery dresses and she compliments my clothing almost on a daily basis. I love her - I really do.
But the best compliment I got (besides for the nose-thing off course), was from someone I have not paid a compliment in a long time, and that was a compliment in the form of a blog- post: Ben
His memory of our encounter made me blush - mostly because it was so weird to think that anyone would consider me "out of their leauge" (especially when I had the biggest crush on him) but also because its great to know that somebody have fond memories of me. Fond memories are the best compliment I think cause thay can never really fade. This inspires me.. Really, it does, now I have to go out and give everyone I meet today a compliment. See - thats how good karma works. And this is how powerful compliments are - they start a chain reaction of selfless goodwill... (oh my, i'm preaching! Stop! Now!)

my contradictions

2006-10-22T03:51:00.000-07:00

I so much would like to travel the world and see new places - I'm so afraid of flying

I'm so overconfident and peaceful in my own body - Do you like me? why not? will you please like me?

I follow my emotions up and down - Can this be justified logically and rationally?

I love you - I hate you

I love me - I hate me

Hold me close - Let me go

I long for some peace, quiet, a vacation, relaxation - Doing nothing drives me crazy

I'm a wanderer - Stability's key to happiness

flirt with me, I'm playfull - How come you're so shallow?

Last night I cried myself to sleep - This morning I woke up smiling

I'll tell you all - Respect my privacy

I'm naked - don't undress me

I'll stay right here - Lets go

check out line two of this beautiful song!

2006-10-20T11:08:00.000-07:00

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

terribly sorry

2006-10-19T10:28:00.000-07:00

try this one!

http://www.break.com/games/maze15.html

Had fun?

Nobel peace price

2006-10-14T01:40:00.000-07:00

Muhammad Yunus and Grameen Bank
recieves the nobel peace price.

The fact that a peace price is given to a development project says something about how the world is more and mores percieved to be interlinked, how fighting poverty and empowering the individual through the possibility of making their own future is linked to the fight for peace.

I once visited some of the micro-projects in Togo and Benin and saw the impact they had especially on women. The way they talked and walked with more pride. They had espablished small cliniques and small businesses and they no longer felt left at the power of the man, or the wims of an unstable government. The interesting thing was that empowering the women also had the positive unintended consequence that the HIV rate tropped. By empowering women they were enable to say no to sex with more men if they did not want to, and they stood up to their husbounds cheating on them. And they actually started using birthcontrol. This is good work! very good work!

(these are the only pictures i have from Togo digitally - in 2003 i had all my pictures in print - i will definitly scan them in someday!)

today

2006-10-11T08:48:00.000-07:00

New Page og X-Ray

I just started to love my job today. I knew this is somehow what I wanted to do, but since its only been a month here, I've been confused and a little freaked out about the responsibility. But today I fell in love witht he possibilities of the job.

I went to a conference about integration of multucultural youth (this is my work now - and a subject highky present in the media) and I was introduced to the finest bunch of entrepeneurs I've ever meet! It was young and enthusiastic people with the heart in the right place and with a wish to change our society and to give young people with a migrant background a future.

Oddly, I felt proud. In so many ways I have nothing to do with their achievement, but still I felt proud. And I could not really define why. I grew up not knowing their world existed, as I grew up pretty protected and without an immigrant in my classroom (except for a polish girl). At University and in my travels I took an interest in different cultures and I wanted to change they way minorities are treated in western society. But this self-rightegous idealism does not earn me the right to me proud. But read your self (if you understand norwegian) and you try not to feel proud of them:
Dilan Ayhan
Marco Elsafadi
Elyas Mohammed

I sort of realised what you could do in a job like mine; you can meet people like this and you can create a ground for them to build their ideas on, or more acuratly a place where ideas no longer are ideas but reality. I hope I will manage. And if I don't these people WILL manage.

The interesting thing though is that a bit of humanity is what I'm left with today. In my job I speak about what we can do for a specific group, but today I talked about human ideals; what makes us feel selfrespect and what makes us value ourself and our lives. These people work with a basic human principle: building selfrespect in youth who has lost that and so much more. They talk about giving young people courage and belief in themself with as simple methods as hugs, smiles

Hands off

2006-10-01T03:00:00.000-07:00

It begun with a handshake. Over the table the pulse of his fingertips touched the pulse of her wrist and the beats coincided, the warm blood lifted the veins towards each other as if the bodies collided. Afterwards the moment didn't exist, as if the touch was like no other touch, the pulse like no other heartbeat. They sat down opposite each other and wore the masks required inn offices, in hallways of grey and suits and reason over emotions. He decided as always to let go of questioning what his body did, it was always a riddle to him anyway, and focus on what his brain brought to his lips, the words of form and etiquette. His fingertips burned against the paper he held, the piece of paper she gave him just a second ago and his eyes focused on the letters, demanding the body to take away this feeling of a moment he had to decide had not existed anyway. She smiled, and he knew she hadn't noticed. The pulse had been inside his head, or more accurately, in his fingertips. He talked. He had already been talking for a while he realised. And he praised his ability to function disconnected from himself. Years of bureaucracy had taught him the words to say, the attitude to convey in any situation that challenged his judgement. He had asked a question and she embarked on answering, her soft voice floating between him and her and the walls and the third person he almost forgot was there. What was his name? He quietly rubbed his fingertips against the wood of the desk and suddenly realised the lines in the oak and the rounded figures his coffee cups had made. She stopped talking and his fingers wandered back to the paper and his lips read what they pointed at and he smiled as his question faded out. He noticed that the second his eyes left her face he forgot what she looked like and the moment she stopped talking he forgot what she said. If he had felt it was appropriate he would excuse himself and leave, say something about toilet or coffee or anything that would relate vaguely to a decent excuse. But he kept his seat. What was so different about this handshake he thought, and the answer of course was nothing. The amount of hands he's been shaking over the years, he always pulsated then too. He was always alive and the veins and heart would to their job as blood pumping vehicle then too, right. Nothing was different, I had a pulse then, I have a pulse now he thought, and questions her again, gaining more confidence. The moment was passing he knew. He was regaining control again. He could hear himself now, and he heard himself saying: "So how do you feel about working long hours?" and she answered smiling: "I have the energy to work long hours as long as I love my work, and I would love to work here". His colleague, who he now remembered the name of, said something important about the pay and the opportunities of promotion and the interview was over. They shook hands and he gave her his hand again. This time he did not take her whole hand, did not let his fingers touch her pulse, instead he wrapped his fingers around the top of her hand. And was shocked to find that her whole hand pulsated in the same way his own blood flooded to his palm. He let go as quick as possible and sat down. The dizziness overwhelmed him and his anger with the weaknesses of his body rose. The colleague looked quizzically at him when she had left.

He was quite rational in his arguments. The fact that she was young and lacked authority. She could not be hired. Naturally. The two men nodded with mutual understanding in the room of grey and routine. As he left to go home that day a chill of relief came over him. He rode that storm off pretty well. He was proud of himself; he had let nothing get in the way of his ability to control a situation. He could continue business as usually, and soon, very soon, his blood would stop feeling so warm and the memoirs of a raising vein would disappear again, he thought with pride.

intimacy

2006-10-01T02:37:00.000-07:00

Is it true, what somebody told me: that we are today, in our time and day, so deteached from real intimacy that when we see it we do not recognise it and instead of understanding it we interpret it in sexual terms? Is it so that closeness in spirit and soul, the so called friendly, friendship intimacy has lost resonnanse with us because all we see is intimacy in sexual terms?

telling yourself a story

2006-09-23T01:02:00.000-07:00

do people grow into themselves?

No seriously, I'm not trying to make a flower-analogi here in order to say something about how people grow and become better people, its not about better or worse, its about fate.

in a an overnatural, religious, spiritual way I'm rather doubtful that fate even exist. In the sense that we are destined for something, somewhere or even someone. Its so often an excuse or an explanation that, to me, only scrathes the surface. fate is somehow a responsibilty defier defice: "I can not help being who I am/doing what I do, its fate, I'm destined to be here, do this".

And then theres the boarderline coinsedence/fate incidences. "Wow, we met right here right now when I was thinking of you." "You called the second I thought I¨d call you". "It must be love at first sight, fate brought us together". How can anyone really say that the experience of something so spiritual or emotional is really just a coninsedence? When it feels more like the universe has taken over and guided you or showed you what you need, who you are.

But these are all things we can discuss and maybe never agree on, or maybe never feel the same about. Its all about the intensity of the experience I guess, and the framework you put it into, what you believe in... But one thing I've felt rather intensly lataly. Maybe its just growing up, I don't know, but my friends are turning into certain versions of themselves. I swear now, in the enlightend vision of hindsight, that I could have said all those years ago that off course that is how they would turn out. Its so obvious somehow, or is it just me? The caring personality traits of one friend turned her into a mother at an early stage. The restless, witty trait of another friend, turned her into a comedian without a job. The self-critical academic mind of a third friend, turned her into an ambisious, never-really-satisfies researcher. I look around myself and I look at these people that turned their lives into an expression of who they told themselves they were and i'm amazed. Is it fate, or is it just as simple as the theory of the narrative says. (shooo I could not find a good website explaining the theory.. Sorry... But if you do, let me know)

We all tell ourselves and others stories of ourselves (and others). We can distort our stories, lie and tell half truths. To a certain extent i guess we all lie. Or maybe we're just blind to ourselves? Cause looking at all my friens, thinkink "doh, off course thats who they should be", I, at the same time, cannot for the life of me understand how anyone can think the same of me. To me, I'm complex and living with opposites, torn between so many choices ant wants, that a straight line seems almost like a contradiction to who I am. And yet I know, I tell stories about me to, and maybe my story, my red line in life is my own desire to be complex. And therefor, I am simpe...

My friends took a side of themself, watered it, let it grow, and flowered. They are more happy, I see that easily. They are content with having left adolenscence behind, and the consant strive for the red line in their story. However, we loose something as we content ourself with the one story. We loose the willingness to explore the infinite possiblities of who we can be. I believe its a choice. If we stick with one story we might be contnent, even happy. Thats why Ibsen said: Take the lifelie away from a person, you take away his life as well. Or we can stick with trying to develop our story all the time. I believe it leads to frustration, to confusion. I believe artist, ideologists, visionaries struggle to develop the story but end up being discontent because the only truth is the one you tell yourself and believe it. I believe the great thinkings that suffered, did not do it for one idea, even if it might seem so, I think they suffered in order to dissolve, change and alter ideas. They might be in the search of truth, but (if we follow narrative therory), it does not exist outside oneself, and you're therefore bound to enter into a war you'll loose. But doing anything else is mediocrity. Its what we call a mediocre life.

I've had these thought for a while. i do not know if they explain themselves on paper as I want them to do, but feel ovwewhelmed at the idea of not expressing them. I'm a searcher for stories, and one the the ultimate story will dawn on me or occur to me. I know. And then you'll all hear it. And the world will be different. I know. :-)

men who love their wives

2006-08-25T06:36:00.000-07:00

The morning had started bad... No energy - no lust.
three minutes extra on the pillow was stolen - as if they made any difference. The shower was taken with closed eyes and the coffee had no effect on weak limbs. Actually a few moments got lost on the way to work when the eyes closed in a desperate effort to regain strenght and energy. Normally mornings are filled with silence. Even in the crowd. The common haze of the crowd lies in thick layers between strangers on the bus and the mutual understanding of the morning blues turns the conversations on to a level of whispers. Sometimes the odd music of a neighbourgh breaks through the headphones and fills the silence for a moment with unknown words and melody. Sometimes someone brush up against each other incidentially and leave the air hanging with low excuses and the scraping sound of raincoat agains raincoat. everybody close their eyes for a minute and loose or gain a moment more of the dream they left behind.

Its the same every morning. The fog surrounds the routine, the dream comes to an end at the halt of the bus. But today something breaks throught the air as if no respect were paid to silence. The loud voices of two men who has left the wifes they love at home, because no two men who does't love their wives can laugh with the easiness of these two. They giggle as if they were 13 and just realised the wonders of oversized breasts and wine in small bottles. Never were such laughter heard so early. The bus turns its head, as if the line of drowsy morning people wear remotely controlled and laughter was the trigger. The men do not notice. They were shiny shoes and uncurled shirts. They have briefcases and if they closed their mouthes and looked down they would resemble men to recent for their shallowness. The mood in the bus turn, heads turn, eyes shine and someone says hello to an old aqauitaned he refused to acknowledge the presence of just a second ago. Someone opens their eyes and find it pleasent to escape a dream for the the vivid experience of presence, of being present.

I smile as I go off, actually I giggle a little. ¨
And so, as the rain pours down and I cannot leave the office till its stoppes - I still giggle. Just a little giggle at the thought of men who love their wives.

Chakra test...

2006-08-25T06:35:00.000-07:00

Silje, your most positive energy is flowing from your Seventh Chakra

This chakra is located at the crown of your head and represents the seat of the soul. The seventh chakra is associated with your connection to your spiritual self and to the divine. In your case, this chakra appears to be clear and unblocked so that positive energy can flow from it freely. Radiating positive energy from your seventh chakra indicates that you've cultivated higher wisdom concerning the important life lessons associated with this energy center. You're apt to feel a greater bond with the spiritual world. You're probably also more able to live in the moment than most other people are. The seventh chakra is the chakra of highest spiritual evolution.
Whether they're allowing positive energy to flow or preventing it from doing so, all seven of your body's chakras contribute to how you are feeling on a day-to-day basis. When they're balanced, you feel energized and at the top of your game. When they're unbalanced, you may feel tired or 'off'. While we have focused on identifying the one chakra that allows your positive energy to flow most freely, we have also discovered the ways your other six chakras are handling the passage of energy.

forbidden fruit

2006-05-02T10:36:00.000-07:00

Eve and Adam had a garden everything was great
Till one day a boy says pardon Miss my name is snake
See that apple over yonder if you'll take a bite
You and Adam both are bound to have some fun tonight
Go on and eat forbidden fruit
It's mighty sweet forbidden fruit
It's quite a treat forbidden fruit
Go ahead and taste it you don't wanna waste it

The Lord had said in the beginning everything is free
Except that apple that leads to sinning so let that apple be
But Eve got tempted so she tried it and as all chicks do
Teaser her man till he decided he'd just try some too
Go on and eat forbidden fruit
It's mighty sweet forbidden fruit
It's quite a treat forbidden fruit
Go ahead and bite it I bet you'd be delighted

I hate to tell you all what followed the Lord was most upset
Saw them making love and hollered what have you to add
And when they made a full confession the Lord said hm I see
I guess I'll have to teach you a lesson about not minding me
Go on and eat forbidden fruit
It's mighty sweet forbidden fruit
It's quite a treat forbidden fruit
You're all indebted now you gonna get it

The Lord made Eve Adam's madam have his kids and all
Placed some labour laws on Adam and he made the snake to fall
Ever since the days of Eden folks been sinful my
Nowadays they're even eating apples in their pie
Go on and eat forbidden fruit
It's mighty sweet forbidden fruit
It's quite a treat forbidden fruit
Go ahead and taste it you don't wanna waste it
Oh go ahead and bite it I bet you'd be delighted
You always did it now you'll gonna get it
Forbidden fruit

87% of the world to go

2006-04-24T23:55:00.000-07:00

I have visited these countries, but it kinda looks like nothing... When one puts it in a global perspective... Hmmmm Must go travelling more

create your own visited countries map
or vertaling Duits Nederlands

word of the day

2006-04-24T05:15:00.000-07:00

Sometimes there are some words, some writers name, some title and some paragraph from a book that deserves to be shared.

rebarbative \ree-BAR-buh-tiv\, adjective:Serving or tending to irritate or repel.

Example from use in litterature:

Over the past couple of hours a lot of rebarbative, ulcerated and embittered people had been working hard at bedding their resentments down in sensory-deprivation tanks full of alcohol.

Will Self, The Sweet Smell of Psychosis

short attention span

2006-04-23T05:38:00.000-07:00

2006-04-23T05:23:00.000-07:00

Rachel Naomi Remen:

The most basic and powerful way to connect to another person is to listen. Just listen. Perhaps the most important thing we ever give each other is our attention…. A loving silence often has far more power to heal and to connect than the most well-intentioned words.

2006-04-22T01:58:00.000-07:00

Ja visst gör det ondt när knoppar brister.
Varför skulle annars våren tveka?
Varför skulle all vår heta längtan
bindas i det frusna bitterbleka?
Höljet var ju knoppen hela vintern.
Vad är det för nytt, som tär och spränger?
Ja visst gör det ont när knoppar brister,
ont för det som växer och det som stänger.
nog är det svårt när droppar faller.

Skälvande av ängslan tungt de hänger,
klamrar sig vid kvisten, sväller, glider -
tyngden drar dem neråt, hur de klänger.
Svårt at vara ovuss, rädd och delad,
svårt at känna djupet dra och kalla,
ändå sitta kvar och bara darra -
svårt at vilja stanna och vilja falla.

Då, när det är värst och inget hjälper,
brister som i jubel trädets knoppar,
då, när ingen rädsle längre håller,

glömmer at de skrämdes av det nya,
glömmer at de ängslades för färden -
känner en sekund sin största trygghet,
vilar i den tillit som skapar världen."

2006-04-22T01:13:00.000-07:00

An optimist is a person who sees a green light everywhere, while the pessimist sees only the red stoplight. The truly wise person is colorblind.

Albert Schweitzer

Me and Albert Schweitzer

2006-04-22T01:02:00.000-07:00

INFP - The Healer

Your Type is 40% Extroverted, 0% Observant, 37% Logical and 18% Structured

You are more introverted than extroverted. You are more intuitive than observant, you are more feeling based than thinking based, and you prefer to go with the flow rather than having a plan. Your type can best be summarized by the word "Healer", which belongs to the larger group of idealists. You have a capacity for caring that is deeper than most. You strive for unity, are fascinated by the battles between good and evil, and can be something of an idealist. Only 1% of the population shares your type.
As a romantic partner, you are usually supprtive and nuturing, however, you have a high need for individuality. Harmony is extremely important to you as you are very affected by conflict and tension, which also makes you resist confronting your partner directly about problems. When you get angry, you usually blame yourself, rather than your partner. You can also be stubborn and unyielding when you feel you are being criticized or mistreated. You feel the most appreciated when your partner listens to you carefully. You need to be understood. You need to hear your partner express their feelings, the more often, the better.

I stole this test from Åsa's blog ;-)

Have a very weird day

2006-04-21T00:10:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel I embody opposites that are impossible to embody. They come in two flash seconds after each other and I think I must have gone mad. Not even manio-depressive people change that fast. I feel this vast lump in my breast filled with empathy and sorrow for anyone, someone. It grows in me and makes me want to cry for every sad thing people experience, or help or be there or or... And a second later I feel so indifferent as if no pain exist anywhere at all. I feel no sympathy, will not give anything, be kind or gentle. The opposite of love is not hate it is indifference, and if someone hates you or you hate someone you there's still feelings there. But indifference makes you almost inhuman. I guess its playing defense somehow though. To relieve yourself from the intensity of hating and loving the mind goes in defense mode and triggers indifference.

I'm a person of words and rational thinking. Some people who know me would disagree with that. But I am. I feel alot, but I do not trust my feelings to guide me. That would screw me up, being thrown from love to hate to indifference within seconds. So I rationalise. Afterwards, during, and before I feel anything. Its necessary. And so stupid. It turns out I do not know feeling from logic anymore and that also feelings can have arguments they just create themselves, if they're strong enough. SOunds weird. Why do I need to be logical about feelings. Because I'm a person of words and rational thinking. ANd because I feel better about my feelings if I understand them through logic. So all in all I'm rational to be able to feel better. And i'm sad when I can't explain how I feel. And I can't explain why I go from extreme to extreme. And maybe thats it! I'm not actually sad because I go up and down, but because I can't explain, and therefore if I just skipped trying to explain it would not bother me?

I don't get it. hmmm, that means, I don't get me.

“Hold on, hold on to yourself, for this is gonna hurt like hell.”

2006-04-21T00:01:00.000-07:00

You know you've got tothrow your body around
You say there ain't no way to scare you
Knock you down

Highwire routine is working for you
Ain't nothing there for you to hold on to
Highwire, so far to the end
So many chances to miss your step

If you stand up (all on your own)
If you fall down (always alone)

Hold On To Yourself baby
Cause no one else will

People gonna watchyour every move
You know there's always something therefor you to prove

Highwire so far to look down
No one to catch you when you hit the ground

If you stand up (all on your own)
If you fall down (always alone)

Hold On To Yourself baby
Cause no one else willI
If you stand up (all on your own)
If you fall down (always alone)
If you need help (nobody else)
Gotta hold on (all by yourself)

Watch your body,take a
Hold Of Yourself
You've gotta make it,'cause there's no one else

Keep your balance'til the end of the line
Gotta find a way to get it right
Hold On To Yourself baby
Cause no one else will

Integrasjonsdebatten i Danmark...

2006-04-12T07:41:00.000-07:00

Er det virkelig OK å protestere over at et hodeplagg kommer på TV? Er denne protesten virkelig forenelig med feminisme? Betyr frihet KUN frihet til å ta av seg tørklede ikke til å ta det på? Artikkelen er fra Politiken

DR holder fast i tv-vært med tørklæde

Kvinder for Frihed har afleveret knap 500 underskrifter i protest mod, at DR 2's muslimske vært Asmaa bærer tørklæde på skærmen. Protesterne ændrer intet.

Et tørklæde hører ikke hjemme på hovedet af en kvindelig, muslimsk tv-vært i Danmarks Radio.

You can only type ONE word.

2006-04-12T07:33:00.000-07:00

NO EXPLANATIONS!

1. Yourself: fragmented
2. Your Lover: away
3. Your Hair: surprising
4. Your Mother: stubborn
5. Your Father: paranoid
6. Your Favorite Item: laptop
7. Your Dream Last Night: full
8. Your Favorite Drink: freshly squeezed fruit juice (sorry, no one word for that)
9. Your Dream Home: brick
10. The Room You Are In: livingroom
11. Your Pet: none
12. Who You Are Now: changing
13. Who You Want to be in Ten Years: changing
14. What You Want to be in Ten Years: peaceful
15. What You're Not: blond
16. Your Best Friend: undecided
17. One of Your Wish list items: apartment
18. Your Gender: female
19. The Last Thing You Did: took the boat
20. What You Are Wearing: hooded sweater
21. Your Favorite Weather: sunset
22. Your Favorite Book: "Atonement"
23. The Last Thing You Ate: lemongum
24. Your Life: chaotic
25. Your Mood: ironic

Gender stereotypes

2006-04-11T11:44:00.000-07:00

1. Women can’t read maps.

2. Men don’t listen to women.

So, why do most SatNav systems come with female voice guidance?

ME

2006-04-10T10:27:00.000-07:00

I stole this from Åsa's blog

You can make yourslef your own you here
Happy Eastern!

Birthday

2006-04-09T05:05:00.000-07:00

Yesterday i turned 28. Fun. For more fun I went here to find out what else happened on my birthday. Turns out the answer is: nothing, or maybe they forgot the year 1978.. hmm got to be someone famous who did something famous that day.. or..

Simon says....

2006-04-09T01:40:00.000-07:00

... I want to leave my wife and kids for you. Because when I look in your eyes i get lost and i forget they exsist. I become a man of desire and want, and I never expected life to bring me that again. I've become a man split in three. When I go home every evening and face my wife, when she searches my eyes for the love she used to have I'm split, torn. I'm the knot in my stomach that shows me the guilt I'm feeling. It hurts, throbs when she touched me. But I'm also my heart, which I've left in your hands, open and shivering from the love you've filled it with. I do not take it with me home anymore. And I'm my head. My head filled with my history of making love to my wife, raising our children, walks after midnight and arguements. It chills me that my history is now seperated from my heart. It no longer means anything that I spent 15 years building and maintaing this love, because in days, maybe even seconds it vanished. She can see the love running out of me. She's a beautiful, intellegent women, I choose her once, so she does not panic. But I hear the cry in her throat and the feeling of life slipping away. But all I want is to hold you. When I touch you I'm eletric and the knot goes away and my head goes away. Because after all a heart is the strongest. A heart will have its will.

I look at my friend as she tells me what he said. I look at how her eyes shines and how she's filled with a love and desire she does not want to express. Putting it into words will make her love unjust, unfail, unmoral. Keeping quiet about her love keeps it pure, locked-up and safe. She does not understand the turn it all has taken. Does not understand how a man with a wife and kids, a man who is her boss, her superior can leave his heart bleeding and shivering with her. She burns for him, but she has also just recieved the ultimate love sacrifice. He will give it all, everything up for her. For her. She is worth everything. She is beautiful, intellegent and fun and I understand why anyone would fall for her. Sitting with her I seem to be understanding the force of his love more than she. She cannot understand, cause understanding means deciding, means being responsible. I can see she's all heart too. Her feelings as cut her too from her head. She cannot cry for wifes or kids, but have their fate in her hands. Her hands are getting too full.

Never has the unreal world of love crashed so hard with reality. Never have I seen the ultimate pain being caused by the same that causes ultimate love. And noone wins. Because someone looses. Maye she should just wash her hands clean of this. Walk away. And leave the family to pick up the pieces of a life that will never be the same. A life of broken hearts and lost trust.

lazy day, new job

2006-04-02T10:24:00.000-07:00

So I've spent my day with my feet up. Being lazy. I've sat in my sofa, I've eaten, talked on the phone and packed. Thats it. Thats all folks. But sometimes outer activites are not always a symptom of whats going on in general. On the inside I've been "shit-my-pants" nervous. because tomorrow is my first day at work. A work I really do not feel prepared for. This is it. This is the life of nine to five, steady income and getting up early. Wasn't university suppose to prepare me for this? I feel way unprepared. Most of all, I feel unprepared to get up early every day, around seven in the morning I guess. Normally I only get up at seven if I need to pee and then I crawl back under the duvet. I get physically ill by getting up early. Does that mean I have to be ill for the rest of my job-life?
I'm nervous. But everybody else does it, so I must be capable. Must find my strength, must find my strength.

I tried this - what is this?

2006-04-02T08:35:00.000-07:00

Get your own spectral analysis from Area 23^®

I stole this from Ben's Journal.
Anyone - what does it mean? Does it tell me who I am?

2006-04-02T05:25:00.000-07:00

A book is good company. It is full of conversation without loquacity. It comes to your longing with full instruction, but pursues you never.

Henry Ward Beecher

Food for souls.

2006-04-02T00:50:00.000-08:00

Scenario 1: I'm on my way from Santa Cruz to San Fransisco. I'm driving along the coast and with me is Kim and Lars. Kim is an American with Latino blood, high strong and with temperament and a contagious laugh. Lars is a tall, dark, handsome Dane, down to earth, and quiet until something needs to be said. Kim and Lars are lovers and we are all friends and I have never eaten oysters before. (Somehow I previously labelled them boogers instead of food, even though I'm aware some people do not separate these two categories)

On the way there are plenty of shops selling seafood, and we decide to stop for a "zwischenurch" of oysters by the coast. We get a plate of five/six each. How do we eat this, I ask. With this (lemon) and this (chilli) and some of this (garlic) if you like, they say. Ah. I watch them and follow their lead. They squeeze half a lemon on to an oyster (as do I), they take a teaspoon full of chilli on the oyster (only those with previous experience with Mexican influenced food can fully understand the spiciness of putting a teaspoon full of chilli unto a mouthful of food) (as do I) and they put a pinch of garlic on the oyster (as do I)

They open wide and swallow. Sweat emerges on their foreheads and their eyes glazes over. They moan and I'm pretty sure I'm watching an out of the bedroom orgasm right there. They look at each other, smile and go for the second. I go for my first. OH, the pain, the suffering. My mouth opens automatically to air out soar feelings, my throat burns with the chilli, I fall over, moan, sweat, begging for mercy, let it stop. I scratch my tongue, my throat, I'm burning up, turning red, dying. HELP. They look at me with smiles, as if they were sharing something beautiful with me. I'M DYING HERE. I'm never eating Mexican chilli again!

Scenario 2: I chop carrots and leek and simmer it gently with butter and freshly grinded pepper in a pan. I add a cup of champagne ( it should have been white wine, but I have none), put the lid on and let the juices give their flavours to the vegetables. When there's almost no fluid left, I add a cup of buillion and a little salt and pepper. I let it simmer. I take five tomatoes and remove the seeds and use only the tomato shells. I add them to the mix with some basil (should have been fresh, but I only have it dry, it almost gives the same taste).
I let it simmer for five minutes, then i add pre-cooked pieces of salmon and shrimps (some people like to have these in the dish from the beginning, but I prefer to leave them till last). I add some cream and a little pepper and salt to my likings.

I cook spaghetti and serve it all to my mom. I roll my spaghetti on my spoon and enjoy. I even add some pepper. My mom chews and swallows. Opens her mouth to let the air cool her burning tongue. Its spicy she says, my throat is burning, my stomach, oh, the pain.

I'm stunned. I just added some pepper.

Hey, Einstein, here's your theory of relativism in praxis, applied to humans and food.

Love me the most when I deserve it the least, because then I need it the most

2006-04-02T00:08:00.000-08:00

Gina and Leo are a couple of friends of mine. They're a couple and they're my friends, and in the natural order of things they should be friends too. And then again....

Leo loves Phil Collins. And he loves playing his newly bought dvd version of Phil Collins' concert in Paris loudly on his tv/stereo. Gina hates Phils Collins. And when she's sober she hates loud music in general.

Here is part if their conversation from yesterday. I heard it up close

Gina: Turn the fucking music dowm.
Leo: Sure, honey, but its not me who wants it loud, its Gary, he loves Phil Collins
Gina: But its your appartment, you decide, be a man dickhead.
Leo: Stop nagging, bitch
Gina: Did you ever stop to consider we have nice neighbourghs that we want to like us
Leo: They like us

Gina leaves the room

Leo: the queen of nasty has left the room

Gina comes back. Rubs Leo's head. He kisses her breasts.
Gina: you're a cutie aren't you
Leo: and you my little sunshine angel.
Gina and Leo rubs noses. whispers. Leo puts Gina in a chair and spins her. She laughs in delight.

We need to go.
Leo: where the fucks my ticket.
Gina: Ohhh, you¨re sooo slow. You just put it in your pocket.
Leo: Its not there
Gina: You're incapable of almost everythin
Leo: and you're capable of almost anything, bitch

We leave, they kiss. We sing. I close my ears. We enter the party.

Gina and Leo are to be married in four weeks. Last week Gina got an stomach ulcer. She's turning 28 in may.

Norwegian Wood

2006-03-31T06:12:00.000-08:00

WHY did Watanabe have to sleep with Reiko in Haruki Murakami's book "Norwegian Wood?"
WHY?WHY?
I just finished the book, and fine, I get it .. he needs to sleep with random girls to dull his longings, he needs to sleep with Naoko because he loves her, and he needs to sleep with Midori because he's IN love with her, but Reiko???
Here, the book had a change to describe a "deep and meaningful" relationship with depth and insight and then it ALSO turns this relation into sex again? WHY? Does all transitions in a mans life need to be defined by sex? I was upset. Of all the things I got from that book, Murakami torn it down by making it necessary for Watanabe to have sexual relations to all the female charcters. What happened to the acknowledgement of the meaning of friendship... I hated that turn... As mush as I loved some of the quotes in thw book. e.g "her cry was the saddest sound of orgasm I had ever heard" [p. 40]

Happiness is the longing for repetition.

2006-03-31T05:40:00.000-08:00

"In true love the smallest distance is too great, and the greatest distance can be bridged."
Hans Nouwens

"Have I told you about the tension of opposites?” he says.
"The tension of opposites?"
"Life is a series of pulls back and forth. You want to do one thing, but you are bound to do something else. Something hurts you, yet you know it shouldn’t. You take certain things for granted, even when you know you should never take anything for granted.”
"A tension of opposites, like a pull on a rubber band. And most of us live somewhere in the middle."
"A wrestling match." He laughs.
"Yes, you could describe life that way."
So which side wins, I ask?

"Which side wins?"

He smiles at me, the crinkled eyes, the crooked teeth.

"Love wins. Love always wins."

- Tuesdays with Morrie, by Mitch Albom

Images of others

2006-03-29T23:51:00.000-08:00

What does the face of suffering look like? That's the question that occupies Maddy Krugman, a seductive photographer who is constantly playing for attention in Robert Wilson's mystery, "The Vanished Hands." Fixated on appearances and what they reveal (or don't), the desperate redhead has made a career out of shooting people "suffering in intensely private moments, but out in the open."

In the book Maddy is portrayed as a rather unsensitive women and her hobby as something bizarre. Looking at people, without letting them know you do, observing them in private moments may seem voyeuristic and, worse, as an invation of privacy. Oh, the presious privacy. But how close do you get to people talking to them? Do you always feel you reach them? With a few people we'll connect and make friendships or relationships and through time and interest we build up trust and intimacy. But we cannot reach everybody. We cannot learn something about the world of everyone. Except in small stolen moments of observation.

Sitting in a cafe or in a park or in any public place you rub your life against the life of strangers passing you. You may observe them smiling, putting on a show or being someone for the people they are with, or you might catch them with an expression at most reserved for private rooms, for lovers or friends. You can see tears or shaking heads, but mostly it is only the eyes that reveals the thought. The eyes that convey the feeling.

I often find myself drawn to observe. Depending on the boundaries of the person I tell this to, I will often hear the response that its weird to go to cafees and public places and just sit. Alone. But to me, its the best way to be with anybody without anybody asking anything of you. Without having to express anything about anything you can loose yourself in the thoughts, expressions and ideas of somebody else. I will never meet them again or know anything about them, i will never reveal the secret of their eyes, but I've knowned them, just for a second. And for a second I felt what their life was about. And then I go back to mine.

Fear

2006-03-29T00:15:00.000-08:00

Good morning. Fear is the biggest riskfactor in our world. It is the fear that makes conflict inevitable. If you fear something is going to happen, you'll start thinking something WILL actually happen and it both paralyses you and makes you ready to attack. Even when you fear the unlikeliest thing to happen, you'll find reasons it will anyway, if your fear overwhelms you.

I experience this my self every time I fly. I hate flying. The worst time is the walk from the airport gate to the seat on the plane. Or the bus ride they take you on where you pass the planes that just landed, the men who load the planes off and on and the airport buildings get further and further away. At this point my heard starts pounding at an unnormal speed and my feet loose touch with the ground and my head feels like air, producing a dizzy feeling. I don't know why I'm afraid. I'd consider that it might be the loss of control, or the unnaturalness of it all. I mean, what are we doing up there in the air anyway, we were given feet for a reason and NOT given wings for an even better reason. The thing is, I'm way too rational to be handling this fear in a good way. My rationality demands of me to find a rational reason for my fear or a rational reason not to fear it anymore. I read tons of pages on how an airplane can fly, check out http://www.allstar.fiu.edu/AERO/airflylvl3.htm and pages of psychological advice with calming statistics that basically says: "don't worry, one million, trillion people fly every year and you're a sucker if you think you're going to be in the one plane that crashes every fifth year". OK, fine I get it. So I decided it might not be the turbulence or the lack of a motor or a storm or the disappearance of air that’s going to make us crash. And, still, I was afraid, I was petrified. How to explain that? How to rationalize that I was sure to die just boarding the next plane? I started looking amongst the passengers and crew. I started looking for drunken pilots and incompetent cabinpersonell. I started looking for passengers with a look of willingness to die, and here is where I got screwed up. In my effort to ease my fear and understand it I activated all I'd ever heard about psychology and politics. Fear let what I had had on an analytical distance get under my skin. I'm a student of political systems and cultural behaviour, I've spent the last seven years breaking down barriers through initiating dialogues and understanding social patterns, and then I got afraid of flying, and I started doing the one thing I hate: I started profiling. Who amongst the passengers was most likely to take us crashing down. I loathed myself for it. All my morals fell, I do not judge people on the way they look, never, but my fear paired with my logic made a dangerous explosive and I started to see what great danger fear harbours. How inhuman it can make us, how far it can drive us from what we believe. I decided that I might fear flying again, but in an effort to save my own humanness I needed to except my fears illogic and focus on my own flaws instead of the ones I projected on to others. I'll let you know how it went. Next time I fly.

Cool Cat Club

2006-03-28T11:29:00.000-08:00

Here is a show I was part of making.

ME

2006-03-28T08:38:00.000-08:00

I'm a blogging virgin

2006-03-28T06:15:00.000-08:00

Four o'clock in the afternoon, tuesday 27th of March 2006 and I'm blogging. I mean, seriously, I'm blogging for the first time. I'm like one of these people in the 90's that didn't get a cell phone before their friends started sending sms' to their home phone.
I've read bloggs, I admit that, and I support the concept, but I never really considered initiating one. It could be because I really didn't know how to or, more likely, because I'm never first on anything. I was first on one thing, one time. I discovered Alanis Morisette. I mean, not really off course, she was probably already discovered by a Canadian agent, half of USA and off course all of Sweden, but no-one i KNEW knew about her before I did. And I found her and bought her songs because I loved her CD cover (back in the days, when CD's was IT, and iPod uninvited, damn - I have to get myself an iPod). OK, thats how much of a music-freak I am, but you must admit her cover was pretty awesome on her "jagged little pill" album. Although, I'm not as slow with these things as my dad. He thinks Armageddon’s going to happen if he pays his flight-tickets online. Really, he screamed at me (and he's a calm man) for suggesting giving sterling his Visa code. He does not consider the internet to be of any use beyond researching and emailing. '
Anyways, so far we've established I'm a little late on the blogging scene and that I pick my favourite music from covers. And that I have a dad. What else? Wondering why I picked findthesource as my address? Wondering if I'm a Star-Wars fan who forgot that the quote is "remember the force, Luke"? No, that’s not it. I'm a huge movie-fan, and also a huge quotation-fan. This one's from an old Chinese saying: To find the source, you must travel upstream. A quote that I like for so many reasons. First of all, it makes the salmon a pretty intelligent creature. Secondly, it asks us not always to go "with the flow", but rather to counter it, to question it, and to create new paths. And for me, now, this blogg is a new path. A new start with an opportunity to broadcast my thoughts in a way I've never done before. I might not find a source (as the internet offers so many), but I definitely will try. And if you know of a source i need to visit or if you know of a quote i should read, let me know. I might not be the first to know it then, but experiencing something for the first time sure makes it almost indifferent if people saw it before you. The feeling is equally exhilarating. So, I might be blogger number 234 trillion. But its all new to me and just as cool for me know as it was for the first blogger ever. Anybody know who that was?