Have a very weird day

Sometimes I feel I embody opposites that are impossible to embody. They come in two flash seconds after each other and I think I must have gone mad. Not even manio-depressive people change that fast. I feel this vast lump in my breast filled with empathy and sorrow for anyone, someone. It grows in me and makes me want to cry for every sad thing people experience, or help or be there or or... And a second later I feel so indifferent as if no pain exist anywhere at all. I feel no sympathy, will not give anything, be kind or gentle. The opposite of love is not hate it is indifference, and if someone hates you or you hate someone you there's still feelings there. But indifference makes you almost inhuman. I guess its playing defense somehow though. To relieve yourself from the intensity of hating and loving the mind goes in defense mode and triggers indifference.

I'm a person of words and rational thinking. Some people who know me would disagree with that. But I am. I feel alot, but I do not trust my feelings to guide me. That would screw me up, being thrown from love to hate to indifference within seconds. So I rationalise. Afterwards, during, and before I feel anything. Its necessary. And so stupid. It turns out I do not know feeling from logic anymore and that also feelings can have arguments they just create themselves, if they're strong enough. SOunds weird. Why do I need to be logical about feelings. Because I'm a person of words and rational thinking. ANd because I feel better about my feelings if I understand them through logic. So all in all I'm rational to be able to feel better. And i'm sad when I can't explain how I feel. And I can't explain why I go from extreme to extreme. And maybe thats it! I'm not actually sad because I go up and down, but because I can't explain, and therefore if I just skipped trying to explain it would not bother me?

I don't get it. hmmm, that means, I don't get me.